Words: Ellie Pagano (she/her)
‘And then she said he asked her to peg him!’ is not a phrase we would be particularly startled to hear floating around the cramped cafeteria at lunch time, despite the incredulity with which it is usually delivered.
In discussions of mistaking butt plugs for bottle corks and high pitched moans for cries for help, our generation seems more than comfortable discussing the weird and wonderful when it comes to our sex lives. But, despite our increasingly open minds (and legs), it seems that what Gen Z really craves is good old-fashioned, one-on-one, monogamy. With studies revealing that 81% of Gen Zers desire monogamous relationships, are we stepping back from the sex clubs and adopting a trad-wife-nuclear-two-kids-one-dog core?
Despite desires for the perfect duo, Gen Z still holds the title for the kinkiest generation, with more than ½ revealing they have a kink or BDSM interests. This won’t be a surprise as many of us have been having sex since our early teens, and have been exposed to everything from reverse cowgirl to roleplay. Attending a sex club when you go abroad seems no less out of the ordinary than attending an art museum; in a debrief with a friend after a visit to Berlin ‘Did you have a currywürst?’ is closely followed by ‘Did you go to KitKat?’. However, our liberal attitude towards sex and kinkiness often push us to label others with more reserved sexual pursuits, as ‘vanilla’, prudish or frigid. But are these tame terms a way of masking our own desire for monogamous stability? The stats would suggest so; an overwhelming percentage of Gen Z on Feeld’s kinky dating app revealed they ‘fantasise about monogamy […] nearly twice as much as older generations’. Where does the craving for companionship come from then? And why do we feel we need to disguise these desires behind claims of enjoying choking and cuckolding?
Could this yearning for union have anything to do with the fact that Gen Z is the loneliest generation? While being the most sexually liberated generation, Gen Zers are also battling the loneliness epidemic, with accounts of 16-24 year olds reporting that they feel lonelier than any other generation. It seems strange doesn’t it? That, in a world which is so connected, we seem to be more isolated than ever. Cyber connections act as surrogates for socialising, making real flesh-on-flesh, face-to-face interactions, both sexual and platonic, redundant. Constant interconnectedness also feeds an excessive consumerism within us, which extends to our romantic and sexual pursuits; we can dismiss (literally) one hundred guys because they are an inch off our dream height with a flick of our finger. Dating apps present us with hundreds of candidates which leave us ultimately feeling less satisfied and more alone.
So, casual sex? Cool. Hoe phase? Great. But we’re still not satisfied. Racking our sex starved psyches are leading more and more people to land on (drumroll please)… Polyamory! A romantic/sexual relationship structure which involves dating or being in a relationship with more than one person at a time, or being in an interconnected relationship where everyone is dating everyone. Increasing liberation surrounding sexuality has seen a spike in curiosity surrounding polyamory or non-monogamous relationships. Boyfriend not making you cum? Sub in a different guy with ethical non-monogamy. Good sex with your partner but lacking that romantic spark? Go find it on a date with your hot bartender crush. If you’re in a relationship which feels sexually or romantically stagnant, polyamory or ethical non-monogamy can perhaps provide that breath of fresh air.
If you are poly-curious, there are plenty of resources for you to get balls deep in. You may have already come across the bitesize videos posted by @danaandthewolf, a poly couple of 15 plus years who share dramatised scenarios based on encounters in their relationship. Similarly, Theroux lovers may remember Louis’ ‘Love without Limits’ documentary, which focused on the rise of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory in Portland, Oregon. Those familiar with this episode may also recall the crest-fallen expressions of Jerry, who’s wife Heidi was going for her third sleepover of the week with her boyfriend Joe. And here we have the fantasy-crushing, post-nut reality, dream-destroying realisation of the utopian polyamorous community – polyamory isn’t for everyone. But when your partner of 5 years comes to you saying they aren’t satisfied, do you cut ties and move on, or open the relationship and quell your ego, hoping they’ll stay? Maybe. Maybe not.
Unfortunately, polyamory, as a relationship dynamic which aims to disregard any hierarchical structure, can be warped by dating’s newest antagonist: meet the poly fuckboy. The polyamorous fuckboy lies, cheats, and fucks his way through the dating scene, manipulating the sanctity of the term to excuse his behaviour. The emergence of this new breed of aroused reprobates, fluent in therapy speech and speeches of sexual satiation, who manipulate the loosened parameters of the polyamorous relationship, often end up reinforcing the structures of power at play within heterosexual relationships, which oppress the woman and excuse the promiscuity of the man. That being said, is infidelity or promiscuity even a thing in poly or non-monogamous relationships? In a relationship structure which validates and encourages interactions and experiences with other individuals, perhaps these claims are invalid. When enacted with compassion and transparency, it seems that polyamory or ethical non-monogamy can satiate our sex-starved appetites, whilst fulfilling our desire for meaningful companionship. However, just as our generation is accepting of those fulfilling their wildest sexual desires, should we not extend this grace to others in search of more tame monogamous relationships? What works for one couple, or throuple, might not for another – as they say, who you shag, won’t make me come.
Gen-Z, The Loneliness Epidemic And The Unifying Power Of Brands
