Words: Lily Fisher (she/her)
Is she suddenly the villain? Is she evil? No. But this has pushed me to look at the other person – the foe. Maybe my friends aren’t always wearing the halo, the foes wielding the pitchfork.
How important is the first impression? One “good” action leading to a lifelong friendship, a disagreement spiralling into a rivalry. But people aren’t that simple. First impressions are based on one interaction, but further interactions can lead to more fragments of people being spilled, if you’re watching. Can you see someone’s true self, or do you only fall for the pieces that align with the narrative in your head?
My best friend and I met in Year 4. My memory is hazy, but she says I held the door open, securing an 11-year friendship. But from 8 to 19-years-old, people change. Life experience equips people with traits to deal with stress, achievement, loss – reshaping us until we aren’t the naïve children we were 11 years ago, yet we’re still as close as ever. But sometimes change is too harsh. I fell out with one of my closest friends I grew up with after she treated my friends in a way I never would. But 4 years later, she’s changed again. A part of me is curious about who she is now. News about her will surprise me, proving that I no longer know her as she continues to be shaped by her environment and the people around her.
‘You know yourself better than anyone else’ is a quote that stays with me. The idea that no one will know you as intimately as yourself. That no one can follow your life through your narrative: your childhood, mishaps, dreams, university, family life. It’s a lonely idea, but you gain the power to choose how your environment perceives you. A new situation gives you the rare opportunity to start fresh. But I don’t think the quote is entirely true. As time goes on, your true personality will slip out: your laugh when you hear a new favourite joke, an intense debate in your flat. Little by little, your “pure self” slips through the cracks, and if someone takes notice, they can find you in your purest form – your natural self behind the visage you create, revealing your true passions, morality, humour – and be trusted with it. When you become friends or foes with a person, do you see the front they are presenting, or the person slipping through the cracks? Did the person who wronged you do it through their perceived or true self? And when someone’s true self appears, does it strengthen your relationship?
Recently, my friend – let’s call her Violet – had an argument with a close friend. A photo had been posted that Violet disliked, but when showing me her messages, I was surprised to see they were angry, not giving the friend a chance to explain, apologise, and take the photo down. I’ve grown up with Violet – she’s warm, approachable, and always gives people chances they don’t necessarily deserve. So, this snap judgement surprised me. Violet explained that the friendship had been tense for a while, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve missed a chapter in Violet’s life, and she’s changed since I moved away. Are my home friends still my purest friends? Moving away creates distance as new experiences and people shape you. New friends experience and learn alongside you, whereas there’s a delay before news reaches home. This instance made me realise that recently, Violet and I have missed each other as we’ve grown, and the person she was in my head has shifted slightly. However, it is how we move forward that either cements or disavows this shift in character.
As you get closer to a person, you get to know their best qualities and their flaws – anyone who wrongs them becomes a foe. I know Violet is incredibly loyal, holding onto friendships for longer than it’s healthy sometimes, so her reaction comes as a shock. Is she suddenly the villain? Is she evil? No. But this has pushed me to look at the other person – the foe. Maybe my friends aren’t always wearing the halo, the foes wielding the pitchfork. Maybe it’s just two people making a mistake whilst trying to navigate life, they’ve clashed, and it’s how the action is rectified that reveals the most.
As a whole, friendships are held to the highest standard as your true identity is entrusted to few people. You share moments of joy, love, and loss. Friendship breakups are self-preservation in a world where not trusting is easier and less painful, than just trusting. The appearance a person presents is only a fragment of their real self, and it’s our responsibility to sort through the fragments to understand and see our most sacred friendships. So, stay close to your friends, get them off that pedestal, and leave space for both friends and foes too, as you will change and grow. Maybe one day they’ll surprise you.
