Words by: Baptiste Peyron (he/him)
The hardest part about moving away is that we leave parts of ourselves behind
I remember the last dinner at home before coming to Glasgow like it was yesterday. As we basked in the warm sunset on our final night together, I couldn’t shake the sadness of leaving, despite desperately wanting my fantasy to come true. Unsurprisingly, I ended up crying on my sister’s shoulder during dessert because I felt like I was leaving my family behind. When the moment came, the souvenirs of my childhood turned into distant dreams, like another life I had lived. I only realised then that my family was a part of me that I could not take with me. I was about to leave behind the people who mean the most to me, and the guilt of leaving them – those who helped me become who I am – consumed me.
I realised that I would no longer spend as much time with my family. I would not be there every night to listen to their day; I would miss their fights and the quiet evenings spent in the living room, reading together, accompanied by our cats. Most importantly, I would not have someone like my sister physically by my side in this new life. I would miss our humour and how naturally our jokes align. Sometimes I laugh and know she would have laughed with me.
The hardest part about moving away is that we leave parts of ourselves behind – the parts of ourselves that exist within our family. When I go home, I try to catch up on all the moments we’ve lost. After rewatching Little Women by Greta Gerwig, I understood Jo’s sorrow when her older sister Meg gets married. ‘I can’t believe childhood is over’ echoes in my head. Like Jo, I was never a big fan of the idea of “growing up.” It means change and transformation, and I didn’t want to leave that childhood warmth behind. Getting older is scary, and life puts you through so much – but what’s harder is doing it far from your loved ones. There are so many times where I have felt lost, in need of guidance and advice from people who really know me. Now, I realise how lucky I was to have my family by my side, walking with me in the different stages of my life. We don’t realise how much we love people until we are away from them – and sometimes, it feels too late to tell them. A family represents our first experience of community and love, guiding us through life.
My sister embodies home to me, always carrying memories of my childhood with her. When I see her, everything stops and returns to the way they were. I become fully myself again, and when she is gone, it’s like I’ve lost the map that leads to who I really am. Thinking about her brings back memories that feel loud even in silence. I sometimes think she understands me better than I understand myself. Every day, I realise how lucky I am to have her in my life, because even when I am alone, she is still there.
If it can be hard for some people to express their affection, I do not feel that with my sister. We care for each other and communicate this love through clinging to the time we spend together, through honesty (sometimes brutal), and through the similarities we share – our love of movies, drawing, and being absolutely in love with our cats. I could say a thousand times that she’s my favorite person in the world, and it still wouldn’t feel like it’s enough to express what she means to me.
Even if we’re not together anymore, I still feel their presence around me. When I’m cold outside, I hear my mum telling me to wear warmer clothes. When I feel down, I sense them reassuring me, telling me everything will be fine. They are always with me because parts of them have been carved into who I am.
I know independence is important, and I chose to move away because I believed it would make me the happiest. But sometimes, when we need them the most, they are too far away. Leaving a family you love is like cutting the threads that tie you together. Times can become challenging because you feel disconnected. They are the people I get mad at the most – but only because I know our bond is unbreakable. Even when we fight, forgiveness is always on the table. This bittersweetness has made me realise that distance truly does make the heart grow fonder, and moving away just made me love them even more.
